Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

✌🏽

When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!

Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!

Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.

But I looked rad AF.

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?