me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
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Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
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Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean