me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
You Might Also Like
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I saw this ending much differently.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat