[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
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I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Morning all.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.