[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
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“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.