[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
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wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.