[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
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Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?