Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

Sounds like a real hoot.

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

I put the hot in psychotic.

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity