Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

Oh yeh? Explain this then

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

my friends when i can’t do basic math

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*