Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gasoline
noun

: mouthwash for dragons

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no