me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
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If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???
“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”
“A hiss-drawn carriage”
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
my favorite gender
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.