Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

wow he looks just like him

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*