Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle