Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

🤣😂🤣😂

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule