me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
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The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Jupiter
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.