Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.

“No screens allowed.”

On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.

“This is your mother now.”

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick