me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
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I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.