Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

Me too 😆

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

Life with a cat in one tweet

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.