Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. π΅βπ«
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9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Teens be like, βYou know that crumbled up piece of paper thatβs been on the table all week? I need it for school.β
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: heβs a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER Iβm a drug dealer
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Someone pissed on the bus driverβs passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
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