Me redecorating every room in my mind
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My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car