Me redecorating every room in my mind
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cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
My Sentiments Exactly
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Guantanamo Bae
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Meanwhile in Canada…