Me redecorating every room in my mind
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If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
awesome draft from months ago i just found
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
me when somebody idk start touching me
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.