Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
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My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
what the hell girl, sure
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*