Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
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COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
