Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
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I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
who wants to go expliring
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope