me refusing to leave twitter
You Might Also Like
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
This why you should mind your business
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related