me refusing to leave twitter
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Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
this site is so cooked lol
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.