me refusing to leave twitter
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Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Brands during Pride
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Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
me hitting on a model
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