Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.