Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.