ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
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Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
“our sushi is very fresh”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*