Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.