Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

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