Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”