Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
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I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
smh
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.