Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
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Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails