Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
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[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
