Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
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My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills