Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

This one never gets the credit it deserves

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

Hello, my name is Pierre.

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.