me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
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Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
New favorite tiktok
And now we wait
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse