Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This why you should mind your business

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

Can’t stop laughing

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.