me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
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Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.