Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

every college guy’s fridge

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?

Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it