me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
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In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
White parent Vs Arab parents
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
*looks at you in batman voice*
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life