Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.