Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
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If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Remember during Covid, if you had family over for Christmas the police would show up and make them go home?
Does anybody know if this service is still available?
Thanks in advance.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.