Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch

👀

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom