Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
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[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My current situation
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing