Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
You Might Also Like
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.