Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
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I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Skills
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk