Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
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My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Taco Bell, Exit 22
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.