Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

For the baby who has everything

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

This one, by a wide margin

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising