You Might Also Like

@Mom_Overboard

Fact: for every polite Canadian human there is an equally rude goose

@MNateShyamalan

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

@VexingVixxen

Finding a suitable boyfriend after 40 is like trying to thread a needle while riding a mechanical bull.

@PeaceInTruth1

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

@I_am_carbs

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

@jellybnbonanza

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

@ch000ch

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

@Pro_Jones_

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

@TweetPotato314

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage