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Fact: for every polite Canadian human there is an equally rude goose



napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this


Finding a suitable boyfriend after 40 is like trying to thread a needle while riding a mechanical bull.


*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*


[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer


I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!


you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.


*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.


me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage