Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes

From Facebook just now…

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

[On a first date]

Her: So, what’s your favorite food?

Me: Bacon

Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?

Me: Bacon

Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Bakin’

Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?

Me: I bring home the…

Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise