Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

christening a ship with an overripe banana

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

Why am I like this?

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?

He was going through a midlife ISIS!!

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FwwKtJYWIAsfdmK.mp4