Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
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*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
This story is comedy gold 😂
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.