Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
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Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election