Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
You Might Also Like
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
They must have gotten it to go.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”