Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

old twitter is back baby

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.