Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
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Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Its true…
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
😂🐈⬛
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.