Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes