Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
You Might Also Like
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
he chose this
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.