Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
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“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Good morning
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
that de-escalated quickly
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french