Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
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Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”