Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
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Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
My what?
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh