Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

oh you like nyc? name every rat

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.

“Your parcel is out for delivery.”

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

m’lady

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

Squirrels before girls.

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?

Me: Yes.

App: That would be nice, right? lol.

Me: what…

App: Sign in again.

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.