Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

what is cheese if not milk persevering

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

My husband educating me about Kendrick Lamar: This song is supposed to be a diss against Drake.

Me: First of all, what’s a Drake?