Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

Me: “Time to go to sleep.”

My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho