Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

opening a flower shop called women in stem

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.