Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

me: hey your birthday is one day away

6yo: we just call that tomorrow

me:

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

My background check bounced.

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still