Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
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If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Me, reading some of your tweets
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
This woman is my idol. Free her.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.