Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
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I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Church Pugh’s
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat