Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
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this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Peace was never an option
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?