Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

💀💀