Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

canadian assassins are called killergrams

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

Condensed milk is from dwarf cows

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*