Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.