me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
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If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
