Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.