@themacmind

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

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@Daveastated

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

@Eden_Eats

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

@dank_dino

*judge bangs gavel on desk*
*judge cooks gavel breakfast in the morning*
*judge tell gavel he loves her*
*judge marries gavel*

@RoosterMustache

ME: snakes are mean

TEACHER: right

ME: but it’s not their fault. They have 2 ends & no legs

TEACHER: ok

ME: so the ends justify the mean

@nursemella

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

@bobvulfov

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

@TastyTuneTweets

Idea: ATM that sends you encouraging messages like “You Can Do it” or “Ramen Noodles Aren’t So Bad” when you check your sad Account Balance

@juneohara65

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

@ClassicMegan

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

@doktorj

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.