i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
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Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[knock at door]
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
-Why are you dressed like that?
-I’m a wizard.
-That’s a bath robe.
-You’re not magic, Ben.
-Watch me make my job disappear.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT?
Me: no, it says “worked it”
I: worked what?
[disco ball drops]
[rips off pants]