Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
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Iāve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying ācaution: wet floorā instead of wiping it up, parenting is frigginā ridiculous
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
š¤£š¤£š¤£š Easy assemble?
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So Iāve gotten into the habit of saying āwhen I was of your age…ā and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: Thatās just ridiculous.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ālive every week like itās shark weekā shirt* I just want this to make sense
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.