Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
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If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
*Seductively hides in the woods
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans